Our Year with Other Couples

*Disclaimer: In no way am I singling out anyone or speaking condescendingly toward any of our family or friends. This is simply an observation of human communication, or a lack thereof. (Myself included.)

During a bedtime conversation the other night (while visiting overnight at another couple's home), we realized that as a couple, in one form or another, we have been living in close proximity to other couples for over a year (I, myself, have lived with/near other couples for 2.5 years). Whether house mates, or kind friends / family who have generously allowed us to park the moHo on their land and communally use their laundry and/or shower, etc. It's been extremely eye-opening.

Including the couples that we visited briefly with on our two-month road trip, we counted roughly 15 couples that we have shared some sort of living arrangement with over the course of approx. 18 months.  Some for just a night, and others for several months. 

My number one generalized conclusion: most couples don't communicate well enough. It's an epidemic. It's a disaster. It's teaching our offspring how to non-communicate so they can perpetuate the madness! It's also extremely uncomfortable to be a witness to on a regular basis.

I'm not saying WE are perfect communicators. At all. We do both put in a whole lot of effort on a daily basis to get better at it. Together. We have established a partnership code of communication. It has been a commitment since day one. We are continually tweaking and improving the skills we have built upon over many months. 

Some days are better than others. Here's why.

1.  Wake up with a smile. 

Tell your partner how happy you are to wake up next to them each morning. If that would be an untruth, then this may be an indicator that the relationship is no longer serving you. (Just a thought.)

2. Go to sleep with a smile. 

Take 5 minutes (or more) in bed to alternately name things that you are grateful for today. It can be as general as the fact that the sun was shining today.  Or it could be that your partner did the dishes. Anything at all. 

3. Learn your Love Language. Then learn your partner's. 

There is a monumentally important book called The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

Read it. Together.

Or get the audiobook and listen as a couple (or family) on your next road trip. It's only a couple of hours and it will change your life, if you choose to be more aware of both of your needs.

Take the Love Language Quiz:

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

4. Show some gratitude. 

(You can not O.D. on gratitude. I repeat: there is no such thing as over-communicating your appreciation to others.)

Never ever assume that someone knows that you are appreciative for their kind words or actions!!!

Try any combo of these bold statements:

Thanks for doing the laundry.

Thanks for working hard all day to help support us.

Thanks for making that delicious meal!

Thanks for making that phone call. 

Thanks for opening the door for me. 

Thanks for putting the kids to bed.

Thanks for being you!

Or, if that's all too much, you can never fail with a simple "Thank You." No need to be specific.

Far too often we love to point out our perceived flaws in our partners to other people. Try replacing that habit by sharing something wonderful about him or her. What a crazy concept!

5. Resolve issues while they are fresh and tiny. 

You know when your windshield gets that first rock chip? Aw, man! My windshield was flawless! I just got it last week! Eventually, that tiny chip can become a ginormous crack that divides the whole window. It can never be undone. Only replaced. Yeah. Think about that one for a minute...Any cracks forming/ formed in your windshield? Do something about it before it's too late. 

If your partner does anything that feels uncomfortable for you, be gentle, direct, and honest and use kind words. Swearing, blaming, name-calling, belittling, guilt-tripping, threatening, ignoring or avoiding each other's giant Gladiator egos isn't going to end up on a positive note. EVER. No exceptions. 

No one is perfect. That doesn't mean you should stop trying to improve your consciousness. 

6. Laugh together. 

Stop taking yourselves and each other (and life) so seriously. 

7. Listen. Without interrupting. At all. Just listen. Even when you want to finish that sentence for them. No distractions. Put that phone away. 

If you don't currently practice any of these skills on a regular basis, don't be alarmed when your love boat eventually springs a leak an begins to sink. Solid relationships take work!!!

"We talk. We communicate. It's one thing to make a commitment to someone else. It's another thing to make a commitment to working on your own sh*t. Then you help your partner work on their sh*t." - a quote from my partner when I asked him why we get along so well. So there you have it.

On your mark. Get set. Communicate!

Turning to One Another

Time for some warm fuzzies... The chill of fall has made itself known in northern Alberta. The moHo furnace is working at a fast clip to keep us warm in the mornings and evenings. The poplars are fading into a rich golden color.

For me, this time of year marks the start of indoor social season. When the days get colder and shorter, people seem to huddle together more often to laugh, cook, eat, tell stories and share music and ideas. I am very much anticipating this. 

I recently picked up a pile of goodies from the local library, which included a book that I had mentioned at the end of a recent post. I borrowed the title to name today's post. Reading this book was probably one of the earliest events that inspired me to write a blog. My fears of judgement and rejections held me back from writing for over a year and a half. One day, I woke up and decided to face my fears and just start typing. I never expected to enjoy it THIS much. (I also want to send out a big THANK YOU to all of you readers who may or may not be learning and/or agreeing with my thoughts and opinions. Knowing that you're following along keeps me inspired.)

"There is no power equal to a community discovering what it cares about." - Margaret Wheatley, Turning to One Another

In the opening lines of her book, Margaret says "I believe we can change the world if we start listening to each other once again."  What a simple concept. Yet, so many of us struggle to find a few precious moments in our packed-like-sardines schedules to stop, sit down, listen to (and I mean reaaaaally listen- which I will dive into below) and connect with those who are dearest to us. Maybe it's a good friend, a child, an elder or a sibling. Who is waiting to receive your gift of presence? Maybe you could start with gifting yourself the permission to make the time for these connections?

Last year, on a road trip with a dear friend, we listened to an audio book called The 5 Love Languages. In a nutshell, the author explains that there are five basic ways that humans give and receive love. We all have one dominant language. Receiving this gift from others makes us feel loved more than any of the others. The five languages are: gifts, physical touch, acts of service, quality time and positive affirmations. Which one speaks to you above the rest? Which describes your partner? Kids? You can get a good idea of someone's love language by which of the languages they tend to put forth for those whom they care about. Mine is quality time. Hands down. Anyone who knows me well knows that I absolutely love time to chat and laugh and share stories and just BE together. I need quality undivided presence from friends and loved ones. I also enjoying giving the same gift to the people who make my life more wonderful. Knowing love languages has shifted my relationships in a big way. Give it a try. Nothing to lose. 

Something that all of us want and need is an ear to listen when we face challenges or are inspired. Listening is an art. It may sound silly, but it is a skill that takes practice. Hearing and listening are distant cousins- they are not the same. I have been practicing conscious listening for several years and still find myself challenged when I'm especially emotional about a topic that is being discussed. I have to hold myself back and remind myself to just listen. Look people in the eye so they know they have my undivided attention. Put my phone away. With the sound off. Don't interrupt. Don't say "Yeah. Hmmm. Mhmmmm! Yup. Uh-huh. Oooooooh. Ugh! Wow. Hmmmm" in the middle of what someone is telling me. No commentary. Just be there in silence. Listen with every ounce of my energy field. 

Feel free to smile, laugh or cry. This is a sign that you are truly listening. These things make us better listeners. Maybe no response is needed. No fixing or solutions. Maybe just a big warm hug. 

"We don't set out to save the world. We set out to wonder how other people are doing and to reflect on how our actions affect other people's hearts." -Pema Chödrön

To finish up, I am challenging you (and me). The challenge is this: Think of a person who you have some preconceived idea about. It's a person that you don't know very well but that you have developed an opinion about via other people's opinions about that person. Challenge yourself to have a chat with him or her. Bring them a tea or coffee. Erase all preconceived ideas and start fresh by asking them how their day is and what's new in their life. Then....listen. And listen some more. This is how we can change the world.