Our Year with Other Couples

*Disclaimer: In no way am I singling out anyone or speaking condescendingly toward any of our family or friends. This is simply an observation of human communication, or a lack thereof. (Myself included.)

During a bedtime conversation the other night (while visiting overnight at another couple's home), we realized that as a couple, in one form or another, we have been living in close proximity to other couples for over a year (I, myself, have lived with/near other couples for 2.5 years). Whether house mates, or kind friends / family who have generously allowed us to park the moHo on their land and communally use their laundry and/or shower, etc. It's been extremely eye-opening.

Including the couples that we visited briefly with on our two-month road trip, we counted roughly 15 couples that we have shared some sort of living arrangement with over the course of approx. 18 months.  Some for just a night, and others for several months. 

My number one generalized conclusion: most couples don't communicate well enough. It's an epidemic. It's a disaster. It's teaching our offspring how to non-communicate so they can perpetuate the madness! It's also extremely uncomfortable to be a witness to on a regular basis.

I'm not saying WE are perfect communicators. At all. We do both put in a whole lot of effort on a daily basis to get better at it. Together. We have established a partnership code of communication. It has been a commitment since day one. We are continually tweaking and improving the skills we have built upon over many months. 

Some days are better than others. Here's why.

1.  Wake up with a smile. 

Tell your partner how happy you are to wake up next to them each morning. If that would be an untruth, then this may be an indicator that the relationship is no longer serving you. (Just a thought.)

2. Go to sleep with a smile. 

Take 5 minutes (or more) in bed to alternately name things that you are grateful for today. It can be as general as the fact that the sun was shining today.  Or it could be that your partner did the dishes. Anything at all. 

3. Learn your Love Language. Then learn your partner's. 

There is a monumentally important book called The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

Read it. Together.

Or get the audiobook and listen as a couple (or family) on your next road trip. It's only a couple of hours and it will change your life, if you choose to be more aware of both of your needs.

Take the Love Language Quiz:

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

4. Show some gratitude. 

(You can not O.D. on gratitude. I repeat: there is no such thing as over-communicating your appreciation to others.)

Never ever assume that someone knows that you are appreciative for their kind words or actions!!!

Try any combo of these bold statements:

Thanks for doing the laundry.

Thanks for working hard all day to help support us.

Thanks for making that delicious meal!

Thanks for making that phone call. 

Thanks for opening the door for me. 

Thanks for putting the kids to bed.

Thanks for being you!

Or, if that's all too much, you can never fail with a simple "Thank You." No need to be specific.

Far too often we love to point out our perceived flaws in our partners to other people. Try replacing that habit by sharing something wonderful about him or her. What a crazy concept!

5. Resolve issues while they are fresh and tiny. 

You know when your windshield gets that first rock chip? Aw, man! My windshield was flawless! I just got it last week! Eventually, that tiny chip can become a ginormous crack that divides the whole window. It can never be undone. Only replaced. Yeah. Think about that one for a minute...Any cracks forming/ formed in your windshield? Do something about it before it's too late. 

If your partner does anything that feels uncomfortable for you, be gentle, direct, and honest and use kind words. Swearing, blaming, name-calling, belittling, guilt-tripping, threatening, ignoring or avoiding each other's giant Gladiator egos isn't going to end up on a positive note. EVER. No exceptions. 

No one is perfect. That doesn't mean you should stop trying to improve your consciousness. 

6. Laugh together. 

Stop taking yourselves and each other (and life) so seriously. 

7. Listen. Without interrupting. At all. Just listen. Even when you want to finish that sentence for them. No distractions. Put that phone away. 

If you don't currently practice any of these skills on a regular basis, don't be alarmed when your love boat eventually springs a leak an begins to sink. Solid relationships take work!!!

"We talk. We communicate. It's one thing to make a commitment to someone else. It's another thing to make a commitment to working on your own sh*t. Then you help your partner work on their sh*t." - a quote from my partner when I asked him why we get along so well. So there you have it.

On your mark. Get set. Communicate!