Warning: May cause you to love life.

This post is about cultivating a wonderful life, filled with love, meaning and connection.  It ended up being a bit lengthy, but these words are important to me.  The inspiration came to me during a sunshiny, summer chat with a wise elder who said "The grass will always be greener, if you choose to see it that way. Or you can focus on keeping your own grass greener each day." I thought about that statement and it occurred to me that many of us spend much of our time wanting what others have, wanting to be somewhere else or wishing we had a different life. 

YIKES!!!  How did we let ourselves get to this point?! What can we do to learn to love our life as it comes? I have a few ideas I would like to share. From what I have learned so far, a happy life takes a bit of effort and patience and understanding of human nature. By default, we are all the same at the core and we all need the same things to feel good about life. Try focusing on finishing old business and loving what you have. 

Several years ago, I attended a retreat on New Year's Eve. It was there that I first heard of a life-changing tool called Non-Violent Communication (NVC). My first reaction was "haha! I don't need that. I'm the most non-violent person I know!"  Think again. Simple words can do as much damage to the soul as a nuclear bomb.  Over the last few years, I have learned to rely on NVC every day to communicate better with the people around me. It has been a tool that has helped my life flow smoother and has strengthened many relationships with coworkers, family and friends. 

Challenge yourself to become a better communicator. There is no downside. It's free. All it takes is an open heart, an open mind and honesty. 

Here are the simple steps to communicate how you feel and let others (and yourself) know what you need. It can be used to show gratitude also. Very powerful stuff. Ok so here goes. 

Step 1: State the facts of the situation. No extra dramatic flare needed. Facts only. Keep it simple. No name calling or blaming. 

Step 2:  State how you feel about this. DO NOT use the words "you made me feel..." Or "it made me feel...."  You are the only one who made you feel it. Make that connection in your mind. (Feeling words: I FEEL- happy, sad, angry, afraid, excited, uncomfortable, embarrassed, grateful, etc. DO NOT use words that imply fault, such as disappointed, offended, annoyed, irritated etc.)

Step 3: Tell yourself and others what need(s) you have that are/aren't or weren't met in this situation. (Ex: needs for safety, love, peacefulness, quiet, inclusiveness, respect, friendship, community, freedom etc.)

Step 4: If you feel the need, make a kind request to another. A request might be something you want to do for another, or something you would like done for you. 

To get the whole picture, here is an example situation:

Mary made dinner. Joe didn't come home for dinner. Mary is angry. 

They can blame and point fingers and try to guilt each other and create a huge mess that will make their lives miserable...

or use NVC...

Mary: "Joe, I spent two hours cooking us a lovely dinner tonight, and I ate it by myself.  You didn't come home when you usually do for dinner. (Those are the facts.)

I'm feeling sad and angry about it. (That's how she feels.)

I have a need for clear communication and a need for appreciation for the things that I do. I also have a need for quality time with you. (Her needs). 

The next time that you have plans in the evening, would you please tell me ahead of time so that I can plan my time accordingly? I would really appreciate that." (Seems like a kind request to me.)

A key component here is non-attachment to the outcome. The other person(s) involved my not react the way you would like them to, but that is out of your control.  Do your part to speak from your heart and the rest is up to them. You will feel better about life knowing that you did what you could to enrich the situation. 

I was reading a book the other day and a passage jumped off the page. It was a statement from a Native elder. In a nutshell she said, do not carry the dead. Work out your own issues now. Not later, not tomorrow, now. Don't leave it up to someone else to help you like your life more. Do not give away the moments of today to the troubles of yesterday. At the end of the day, you're the only one who will be hurting from those negative thoughts and feelings inside. 

Whew. If that all seems overwhelming, its understandable. It might even been a bit scary while you are learning this new language of communication. Most of us have been communicating from our egos our whole lives. Send your ego (and its fears) on a one-way trip and open your heart. Practice. Practice. Practice. 

Another simple tool that I have been using for a number of years is to acknowledge the things that I am grateful for. It can be done at the dinner table before anyone takes a bite. Take a moment for each family member to say what they are thankful for from their day. 

Alternatively (or in addition), if you have a partner that you get to snuggle up with each night, take a moment to tell each other and the universe what you appreciated today. No partner? Say it out loud anyway! It is amazing how life will shift to the positive side when you begin to realize how fortunate you really are. Pour your energy into nurturing the flowers of life instead of constantly looking for the weeds. 

Lastly, pick one (or all) of these suuuuuper easy things: Smile. Hold a door for someone. Let someone know you're thinking of them. Share some homemade food. Give hugs. Let someone ahead of you in line. Buy a coffee for someone. Offer to lend a hand. Do these things with the intention of spreading good vibes. Have no expectations that you will ever be compensated for your kindness.

Life will love you back and that is reason enough. 

Extra tidbit:

My heart grew a few sizes today after watching this...

http://youtu.be/BOksW_NabEk

More Power...but not the kind you think.

Last night, reading by headlamp, I could hardly put down a new-to-me book that a friend recently recommended. It's called Anatomy of the Spirit by Caroline Myss, PH.D... and it's amazing. In a nutshell, it is about recognizing emotional and spiritual patterns in ourselves and learning how to correct them to avoid/heal illness and disease.
First thing this morning, I did a quick exercise inspired by the first few chapters. She talked about how we each give up personal power over a lifetime of everyday experiences, and how each of us can learn to regain our personal power to boost health and wellness. Here's what I came up with:

Things that Self-Empower Me
Exercise
Creativity
Nature
Reading books
Helping others with love
Staying informed
Growing my food
Learning new things
Listening to my intuition
Doing what feels right
Healthy cooking & eating
Honesty and clear communication
Surrounding myself with loving people

Conversely, here are the things that I find DEPLETE my Personal Power:
Fearfulness (this is a broad topic, amazing the subtle things we all fear)
Believing and/or sharing false information
Exposing myself to negative energy (people and situations)
Not respecting my body (ie. consuming foods that are not supporting my wellness)
Not speaking up about injustices or fallacies in our world
Undervaluing myself

This exercise was similar to the "Things That I LOVE" exercise, but also made me reflect on the things that I allow myself and others to do or say that are depleting my Personal Power.  I am certainly intrigued by my lists and hope to dig a little deeper to discover more.  I hope that this will be useful to some of you also.

It's SO interesting what humans will say and do to each other to steal each others personal power. Children learn this at a very young age through observation of the adults in their lives.  In Gary Zukav's life-changing book, Spiritual Partnership, he likens all human relationships as being like two weights on an old-fashioned scale.  We should all be working to keep the scales balanced, which means we don't see ourselves as "above" anyone else, and at the same time we don't undervalue ourselves and see others as "above" us. I also recall a passage in another book that was referring to the auras, or energy fields, around any two people interacting, and that there is a visual vacuum-like effect when one person is stealing power from another.  In the ideal human interaction, each person will be expanding the personal power of the other so that no one walks away drained or inferior.  Think about that the next time you speak to a stranger on the phone, stand at the checkout counter or have a flare up of road rage. Turn your thoughts around and give a little. It won't hurt you, and it could mean a whole lot to someone else.

"We all share a type of physical body that becomes ill or heals for the same reasons. We also share emotional and psychological crises common to the human experience. Everyone fears abandonment, loss and betrayal; anger is as toxic within a Jewish body as it is within a Christian or Hindu body; and we are all drawn to LOVE. When it comes to the health of our spirits and our bodies, we have NO differences." - Caroline Myss, PH.D.