A Step in the Right Direction

Throughout the 8 years that I was a "step-mom", I pretty much always felt inadequate. So, to think that I would eventually put this into writing to assist others would have been absurd to me back then. However, I have recently been sharing these memoirs, mistakes and tips with several people who have been struggling with being a "step-parent". So I will share a few things that I learned after my relationship with a great man and his two amazing kids failed terribly. It was a team effort, but I can now so clearly see where I, and no one else, went wrong...when it comes to step-parenting...

When I first met my future step-sons, they were 6 months old and 3 years old. They were adorable. I was a young and naive 21 year old girl. The idea of being the fun step-mom was appealing. How hard can this be? Pretty damn hard.

Little did I know that in a few short years, their biological mother would pass away from brain cancer and leave me with parting words that still echo in my ears "You are their new mom now. Please take very good care of them."

Panic set in. I suddenly felt even more under the microscope than before. As a family, for another 4 years, we struggled and grew and learned a whole lot from each other. Including how to grieve together. 

A few things that I learned that just might help new step-parents...especially those who do not have their own biological children (yet?):

1.  Every single person needs tons of love. Especially kids. Put them first. No matter what. Your self-centered ego can wait.

PS. Allow them to love you back. Super important.

2.  Kids are messy. They just are. Let go of the need for a show-stoppingly clean home (and car). Fun should trump cleanliness every time. 

3.  Show emotion and vulnerability to kids. This goes for everyone. Don't try to fit the role of "perfect parent" by society's standards. It is an unachievable fallacy. There is no perfect parenting. Be real. Relax. Let your guard down. Give up the control a bit.

4. Being honest with children is more important than being right. Allow them to humble you. It's inevitable.

5. All parents should work as a team. If this isn't happening, it's like trying to cross the ocean in a raft with a hole in it. You'll never make it.

6. Teach your kids (and partner) how to communicate their needs with you and vice versa. Take out the guess work. It will save everyone precious time and energy.

I am certain that I could write a large book on this topic. A book full of mistakes that I made...repeatedly, and how I wish I had a mentor, someone who I could have related to, to help me through those difficult years and be a better parent. But I didn't. So now I feel fortunate that I can share what I know with others. 

The same book would, in addition, include a section of precious memories, hilarious stories, and life milestones for all of us. 

I am so grateful for those experiences as a step-mom. After all, I wouldn't have grown and evolved into who I am today without them. 

Do you have stories to share? Any additional tips for step-parents out there? We can all stand to learn something from others with experience.