I Wanna Hold Your Hand

I sit here alone tonight sipping my tea, after a powerful two-hour Skype call with a wonderful friend. It had been a couple of weeks since we had last spoken. We thought we knew what the topic of conversation would be, but after about 5 minutes the conversation took an unexpected turn. 

Instead of smiling all pretty and saying "I'm doing great. Life is perfect!", like so many of us want each other to believe, we both openly shared how we were feeling: afraid. Our lives are very different, yet, underlying it all is a sense of insecurity. An uneasiness. A feeling of disconnection. A feeling of unclarity. We ask ourselves: Who am I and why am I here?  Why is our society generally focused on all of the wrong things? Why do so many of us have hundreds of Facebook friends, but yet we feel isolated and alone? Why do we go to jobs that we don't love? Why do we feel like we need to prove ourselves to the world? Why???

From 150 Love Notes by Sugarboo 

We both shared stories of ourselves and others we know who are in a current state of what I would best describe as bewilderedness. People of all ages and races, both sexes and in various life circumstances are feeling lost. People are feeling trapped. People are feeling depressed and some are panicking. People are feeling hopeless and helpless. People are all around exhausted.

We, at least in the "developed" world, are all faced with endless daily personal challenges: health, family, work, debt, rent, mortgage, fitness, looks, material possessions and of course, keeping up with the Jones's! None of this is what really matters. We have forgotten how to connect with one another, how to listen and be compassionate. Humanity's ship is sinking and no one knows how to swim. Is this even possible?! Where are the life rafts? Well I'm here to say we ARE the life rafts. For each other. We must all hold hands and together we will stay afloat.

As my friend and I talked, we both allowed ourselves to be vulnerable. We cried. We cried hard. It was sad, but also somehow so comforting to know that others understand what we are experiencing. We are all in this together. This turbulent time in history as human beings.

We lamented about how devastating it can be to watch people we care about self-medicating to numb the all-consuming overarching discomfort. People are over-shopping and over-eating. They're using all manner of drugs and alcohol to calm their nerves and bring themselves back to a state of being able to cope with our current global crises. There are workaholics and sexaholics, neat-freaks, hoarders and even exercise-aholics.  We all have our own way of coping. But the truth is that none of these things are getting us closer to the real answers. They're just band aids to cover up the wounds. If we fill our brains and time with stuff and substances then we don't have to think about the stuff lurking in the shadows.

After two hours of connected conversation, we hadn't solved any of the worlds problems, let alone our own. But...we both felt incredibly grateful to have a close friend that we can share so openly with and not feel ashamed or embarrassed that we are experiencing being fully human. 

I told her that I have recently discovered that I have an over-active adrenal system as a result of excess stress (some self-administered) for the last 30+ years. Being a highly sensitive human compounds it all, too. Even though I no longer live a very stressful lifestyle, my body has been thrown out of balance and I am determined to rebalance myself. The hardest part for me has been the lack of knowledgeable healthcare professionals. I have probably consulted with a dozen doctors of various backgrounds over the last two years. The latest doctor whom I consulted told me she didn't know how to help me, but she offered to "go home and google the symptoms tonight on my computer while I have the other eye on the TV". I told her thanks, but don't bother, I can use google too. Seriously. It's safe to say that my faith in the western medical system is hanging by a spiderweb strand (and that's even being kind). So back to the drawing board I go. I will be experimenting with my own ideas from here on out and following the paths that the universe lays down before me. If anyone has any amazing ideas, please share. 

My partner is currently at his first Ayahuasca ceremony for the remainder of tonight. He's on a mission to gain a clearer vision of who he is and why he's on earth at this time. I eagerly anticipate hearing all about his otherworldly experience. Maybe plants hold the wisdom and answers to our human questions and concerns in this age of chaos....